When a family member, especially a parent, is diagnosed with cancer, it deeply affects the whole family. The news can be overwhelming, bringing strong emotions and urgent practical concerns.  Amid the chaos, it is particularly important to consider the potential impact on the children.

Commonly, there is a misconception that young children may not understand what cancer means. Some worry that children might associate cancer with separation and death. Some teenagers seem to behave as if nothing has happened and avoid discussing cancer altogether. When discussing cancer with children, knowing how these issues may be deftly communicated is crucial.

Should I talk about cancer with Children?

While trying to protect the child from potential bad news, families often overlook the need for children to process and grieve over change and losses in the family. We try not to burden them with worry, fearing they cannot cope with the ensuing emotions. However, children are typically very perceptive; they can detect changes in the family through their parents' behavior, altered routines, or even by overhearing conversations.

Hiding a cancer diagnosis can affect the trust between a child and their parents, leading to increased fear from not knowing what's happening, feelings of isolation, and loneliness. They may inadvertently conclude that they are the less important in the family, or that “BAD THINGS are not to discuss at home.”

Without appropriate information from the adult in the family, children may seek information through social media, television programs, or AI chatbots. Such channels may provide fragmented and misleading information which leads to unnecessary confusion and anxiety. Therefore, wherever possible, children should hear directly from their parents or a trusted adult about what is happening. Although they may initially feel sad and anxious, they often cope better than we expect.

Who Should Tell the Children?

Anyone who has a trusting and strong bond with the children can be the one to talk to them about cancer. This could be parents or relatives with whom the children feel comfortable and who can provide the necessary support.

Remain calm during the conversation with them. Many people are afraid to show sadness in front of children, thinking it shows weakness or will negatively impact them. It's okay to cry and show sadness so long we remember our role to care for them and not lose our composure.  In this way, we not only show that feeling sad and crying are permitted, but we also model their emotional honesty and resilience.  This can help to foster better emotional coping skills in the long term.

During the conversation, ensure that children feel supported and informed and that they have a trusted person to turn to while coping with the news of a parent’s cancer diagnosis.

If parents find it too emotionally overwhelming to have this conversation, they may consider involving a healthcare professional, such as a medical social worker, counselor, chaplain, or psychologist, to provide guidance and support for both the parents and children.

When to Tell Children?

Once a cancer diagnosis is confirmed, changes in the family can occur quickly. It is important to inform the children about the diagnosis as soon as possible. Once treatment begins, children may notice side effects such as tiredness, weight changes, hair loss, or vomiting, so it’s nearly impossible to hide it from them. Parents should also keep the children updated on any changes in the treatment, condition, or post-treatment.

Not knowing what is going on can be terrifying for children, as they may perceive every new symptom as an eventual catastrophe. To avoid this, children should be informed in advance about potential side effects and how daily life may be affected by the cancer.

“Expert knowledge means better care for cancer”

Written by:

Ms Jaclyn Lee
Supportive and Palliative Care Clinician
OncoCare Cancer Centre